It would seem pretty safe to predict that the Jays, Jays’ fans, family members of Jays’ fans, and anyone related to the US Hockey program are going to have a year full of disappointment, but I think I’m more excited for this season than any one in recent memory. Let me explain why…
The Jays project to be so bad this year, they might as well be the team from any of the Major League movies…and we all know how those go.
My prediction for the year…
Spring training ends with Brian Tallet shaving off his hair and beard in order to be taken seriously as a major league starter.
After losing six in a row to start the season, the Jays return home to play the opener in front of an “announced” crowd of 8 760, to which Buck Martinez remarks “Well, it would have been higher if that group of 40-somethings with the “Marry Me AGonz” signs didn’t head out after the short stop’s first at bat”.
The losses continue to mount as we are subjected to a montage of:
-VW launches a pop up to second with the bases loaded while singing “If you’re happy and you know it…”
-Edwin Encarnacion muffs a throw to first, scattering the 200 fans sitting behind the bag.
-Fans at Gretzky’s bar are seen booing the TVs.
-Travis Snider strikes out by swinging and missing so badly on a high inside pitch that the umpire calls him out even though the count is 0-1.
-Joey Gathright gets injured in a promotion gone awry, when he tries to broad jump five fans lying side by side.
-EE misfires to first again…the 100 fans sitting behind the bag can now be seen with gloves and helmets.
-Jays lose a charity game against the 51’s
-During an interleague game in Philadelphia, Cito forgets to pull a double switch with the pitcher’s spot due to lead off the next inning…after being informed of what he should have done, he claims that the umpire wasn’t showing him the respect that a two-time World Series champ deserves.
-EE fires yet another ball into the stands fortunately missing the six spectators left.
-Sick and tired of catching a rotation full of minor leaguers, Buck, Molina, Chavez, and Arencibia all quit the team.
-Fans at Gretzky’s switch the TV to TSN Classic to catch a 1985 MandM Meat Shops curling skins game between Russ Howard and the Wrench.
Then the turning point…
An employee of Rogers Communications –I think it was that guy from the MyFive commercials- addresses the team and lets them know that in order to make room for the Buffalo Bills’ preseason games, the Jays will need to play the rest of their season at the old Exhibition Stadium. He also mentions that Lyle Overbay, the one player on the team having a reasonable year has been traded for one of those mini Catelli bat day bats. Cito tells Randy Ruiz that he’s going to get his first at bat of the year against the Yankees that afternoon.
During that game, the human growth hormone playing third for the Bombers calls “mine” while running the bases, causing a beleaguered EE to let a pop up drop beside him. Mr. Madonna then walks over to the Jays’ dugout, takes VW’s seeds, punches a seagull and knocks the Gatorade cooler over, soaking the majority of the Jay’s players, and injuring John McDonald, the emergency catcher.
The Jays call a time out, switch into the only clean uni’s they’ve got left…The Baby Blues… and they re-take the field. With the Jays out of catchers, Buck Martinez agrees to suit up in order to stall for the arrival of Travis D’Arnaud.
On the ensuing pitch, Albert Pujols -recently acquired by the Yankees for a whack of cash and a 37 year old career minor leaguer-, batting ninth for the Yankees, drives a ball into the alley in right centre. Vernon, angry after having to go through the effort of untying and retying his laces during the uniform change suddenly cares again. He sprints to the ball and makes a diving catch while releasing a scream heard by tourists entering Casa Loma. He then flips the ball to Travis Snider who fires a perfect throw to the cutoff man who manages to get the relay home to a perfectly positioned Buck Martinez, nailing SteRod at home. The Jays’ commentator is carted off the field after injuring his leg on the play, but amazingly, he managed to hold onto the ball.
We are then privy to the montage of:
-Tallet growing the goofy hair, and mutton chops
-Snider homering into the field goal posts in the far end zone.
-EE practising the throw to first.
-Wells takes for ball four.
-Ruiz goes 0.320, 0.440 and 0.600 in BA, OBP and SLG.
-The bat boy sitting Cito down, in front of a chalk board and showing him how a double switch works.
-EE making the throw to Ruiz who has now begun wearing that gigantic paper mache glove from the outfield in San Francisco.
-Gretzky’s is filled with fans watching Jays’ games, including Jack Layton sitting front and centre high-fiving Stephen Harper.
The Jays then meet the Yankees in a one game playoff to decide all the marbles. The October night air is cool, the metal benches at the Ex–even the football seats that keep travelling down the right field foul line, rather than curving around the wall-are filled…And that’s why I’m excited.
